But it tries to remember that this isn’t a treatise on negotiating by numbers — you don’t have to do it exactly this way. Try and pick out the principles involved and use them to find your own way of doing it.
The behaviours observed fell into two broad groups:
- those that were used less often by skilled negotiators and more often by less skilled or average negotiators
- those that were used more often by skilled negotiators and less often by less skilled or average negotiators.
These I’ll call the ‘Don’ts’ and ‘Do’s’ of skilled negotiating.
Don’ts
Skilled negotiators are good communicators — they don’t use words carelessly. They don’t, for example, use words or phrases that might irritate the other side — such as describing their offer as being ‘generous’ — when it is obvious that it is just one in a series of offers and counter-offers. Other examples of words that irritate are ‘fair’ or ‘reasonable’ — particularly when applied to your own offer. These words possess little persuasive power and can often, by implication, leave the other side with the feeling that they are seen as being ‘unfair’ or ‘unreasonable’. While there are few negotiators who would use insults or judgemental phrases or words, it appears to be quite common for average negotiators — but rare for skilled negotiators — to indulge in the use of uncalled-for and self-flattering words and phrases. Examples would be ‘our generous offer’ or ‘we’ve waited patiently for your response’.
Another ‘Don’t’ lies in the speed and frequency with which negotiators respond to each other’s proposals. ‘Knee-jerk’ responses and counter-proposals are often seen to indicate disagreement or to be ‘blocking’ whereas lower frequency or delayed responses and counter-proposals are seen to be more thoughtful and considered. You’ve already seen how important it is to avoid becoming heated and emotional during your negotiation. When this happens, both you and the other side can easily get drawn into an ascending spiral of attack and counterattack. Skilled negotiators don’t do this. But it is, in the course of events, often necessary to attack. When skilled negotiators do this they often give little or no warning — unlike average negotiators who tend to give early warnings, rising up the attack/counter-attack spiral slowly at first but then accelerating as they rise. These less skilled or average negotiators are also seen to ‘over-egg the pudding’ when it comes to the use of reasons in support of the argument or case they are making. Skilled negotiators use far fewer arguments but choose those that they do use with care. This not only avoids confusion and dispute, it also recognizes that, in the end, your case is only as strong as its weakest support argument.
A final example of the things that skilled negotiators don’t do lies in the ways that they use to flag up their disagreement. Most of us would see it to be entirely logical to first state that we disagree and then follow this with an explanation of why we disagree. Skilled negotiators reverse this order, giving first their reasons or explanations and then, second, the statement of disagreement.
Do’s
In addition to all the things that we’ve seen that they don’t do, skilled negotiators also emphasize certain sorts of behaviour during their negotiations. For example, they tend to give prior notice of what they’re going to do. When asking a question they’ll preface it with ‘May I ask a question?’, or when they’re about to make a suggestion they’ll start by saying ‘If I may make a suggestion …’. When you do this it focuses the listener’s attention on the action that’s to follow as well as introducing a space in proceedings — which gives the listener time to ’shift gear’. But as we saw earlier, this `I’m-going-to-do-this-next’ sort of labelling isn’t used with disagreeing.
The skilled negotiator will also summarize and test a lot — as in `Let me check where I think we’ve got to’. Doing this reduces the chances of misunderstandings occurring and also encourages clear communication. Alongside these, the experienced negotiator will also:
- reflect what she or he thinks has been said, as in:
- `So do I understand that you’re saying you can’t agree to our proposal.’
- ask open-ended and probing questions in order to get more information, as in:
- `Can you explain that in more detail?’
- express concern about implementation, as in:
`I’m concerned about how this is all going to work.’
Many of these are used to exert control of what’s going on in the negotiation as well as providing thinking time while the other side is occupied in generating an answer or response.
Skilled negotiators are also much more open about their feelings than average negotiators are. For example, they’ll say things like:
`I’m beginning to feel some concern about whether we’re going to reach an agreement today.’
`I’m uncertain about whether my members will accept that.’
Doing this often builds higher levels of trust in the developing relationship that she or he has with the other side. This trust, together with confidence in the other’s continued co-operation and a joint determination to avoid rows and arguments, are all present in the behavior of skilled negotiators.
